i realized today that i’m not ready to be tied down to just one person. i’ve been telling the boi from Pittsburgh that we should just “share” for awhile. But she’s not interested in sharing. She’s 3 years older than i am, she’s had long-ish relationships and i guess she’s just tired of playing the dating game.

but i’ve never played before, i’ve barely stuck the toes of my cleats into the lovely orange clay. and she wants to turn me into a spectator. she’s ready to make me a kept woman, she’s promising all manner of pleasures and exploits, as well as care and comfort.

but it really isn’t time for that, just yet. for me.

i need to flex, i need to breathe, i need to know what i want before i take what’s being offered so willingly. it frightens me that she’s ready to take me – give me everything without ever having met me.

we do communicate well. she says, “i feel like i can tell you anything.” but plenty of people tell me that. she makes me laugh when i’m frustrated, and i make her smile when she’s down… but i can’t help feeling still, that something is amiss.


2 thoughts on “availability

  1. sometimes i feel like i shouldn’t have jumped into being a “kept woman” so quickly. there’s so many experiences that i’ll never have in this relationship that i wanted to have. on the other hand i guess it’s nice to have some consistancy and stability and a definite someone to cuddle with every night. but what i’ve always wanted anyway was someone that i could stray from that would let me come home afterwards and still love me.


  2. i think that’s what i, too desire. someone who will allow me to be outrageous, who would understand my need to satisfy my many curiosities. but who can escape jealousy and feelings of rejection so easily? what if i try something and decide i like it better? what do i do with the original?
    it’s nice to have your insight again. why don’t i see it elsewhere, anymore?

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