I watched something on the internet a couple weeks ago. About how butch women can’t really pass as well as femme women can. The video was talking about how butch women don’t get the same treatment as femmes do, either. And I started feeling guilty about the ways in which I pass on a daily basis. I’m not out at work. Not because I’m avoiding it… ok maybe I’m avoiding it… but I wouldn’t really care about coming out, it’s just that I’ve successfully avoided anything of the sort coming up in conversation.
Let’s not even discuss the family thing. Mom and siblings are the only ones who need to know as far as I’m concerned. Everyone else can leave me well enough alone, thank you.
I’m not exactly out at church. I don’t think it would really change much about the relationship I have with my religious family, but it certainly isn’t the most pleasant topic of conversation, considering the biblical references. And I’ve definitely had my fair share of stern discussions and so-called “interventions” (Lord, I think I’ve had more than my fair share!).
The only time I’m really visible is when I’m out with the queers. And even then, they mistake me for the token straight girl. Older gay men especially just think I’m a pretty straight girl out with my gay friends.
But it’s an honest mistake: people probably just sense the straight girl aura I have. After all, I’ve been living life as a straight woman for so long. Sometimes I don’t even feel like a lesbian because I’m so single and my life really mimics that of a heterosexual so very well. [take note ladies: single!] Um, I think this is a rant. Sorry.
But how can I be more open? I’m really not into stickers, patches and buttons. No fucking way are you going to get me to cut my hair short (you come near me with scissors and you die!) and my attire is already as gay as it can be without saying “gay” on it. I mostly wear pants and long shorts with girly button-up shirts or polos and flip flops. But who sees that as queer except the queers?
Any suggestions? Should just introduce myself, “Hi my name is Avarice, I’m about as gay as they come”? I can’t use the excuse of having a girlfriend either because I don’t have one! Difficult. But I really don’t intend to be passing for much longer…