Instead of going to bed early, or reading for class like I should be doing, I am blogging. Because I’ve had some thoughts in my head for the past week or so and I haven’t been able to give them form and texture through words.
My gender presentation comes in waves. Because as a girl I reveled in dresses. I’ve always loved to wear my hair down. Yet even while wearing dresses and skirts, I was climbing trees and getting dirt everywhere. I only had a brother and I just did whatever he did; never thinking twice about it Once I hit middle school it was jeans-and-t-shirts consistently. I don’t remember why. I think it had something to do with the crowd I was trying to hang out with. Then, the freedom, the ecstasy of a fine arts high school gave me more breathing room to let out my inner hippie… With long flowing skirts and kicking off my sandals. Then I changed high schools. [long story for another day] At my new high school I went back to the jeans-and-t-shirts thing. I definitely had a self-esteem issue that wasn’t as present before. This trend continued all through college until I decided to take a break for some religious study. I guess I got back into wearing skirts again, but that didn’t have as much to do with identity as it did for practicality. Skirts can be a life-saver on hot climates.
I didn’t purposefully lean back toward the feminine again until March when I started coming out to people. [For real, this time – again, the result of a longer story] And all this conversation about gender. And all the time I spent with other queer women. I started to see what was different about so many gender presentation. A great many people are just themselves and don’t have any strong markers one way or another. But somehow once I started coming out to people, I felt at ease about being feminine. My femininity wasn’t a threat to my wellbeing as it was back when it was presumably for the attraction of men. The flip switched when I started realizing that femininity can attract women, that’s when I wasn’t afraid of it anymore (not that I didn’t know this before, but rather I had never seen it actually at work in social settings).
Sunday I bought a new dress. I’ve been learning to walk in high heels.
I’m going to fucking own my femininity whether or not the Man likes it… the fact that he can look but not touch. I’m going to sway my hips and learn to do that thing femmes do with their eyes that’s so irresistible. I’m going to learn to be a sexually fulfilled person who can fulfill someone else, too… rather than being a lazy bottom. [Because haven’t we come to the conclusion that bottoming isn’t, or shouldn’t usually be a passive role; it requires action.]
In other news, I am in serious need of a underwear make-over.
And, Who wants to go see RENT with me in NYC while I’m there?
Please, oh please won’t anyone accompany me, I’ll be wearing my
brand new little black dress with a red satin sash and my very
own eyelashes stepping up to bat above twinkling blue eyes.