shut-eye


I just tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. My homework for this paper that I have to write has been bogging me down and I had an awful day at work. Awful. And for some reason all I could think about was the CBE workshop.

I really have not processed that thing, either I haven’t had time or I haven’t found space or I haven’t had the appropriate set of ears. I’m feeling several different categories of processing that need to occur. The whole 5 days was a major roller-coaster of experiences – traveling! brave big city! OMGWTF THE SUBWAY, body image? weird hippie energy?? NAKED!? excuse me “cave” WHAT? *flip out* this subway is a piece of cake. wait, that’s it? it’s over! BUT!

Then I flew home and drove directly to school upon arriving at home to give a lecture, after which I crashed.

First: Emotional
I’ve done a little bit of this with Ray the other night. Which reminds me it’s been like four years now since we had that little shin-dig on the hood of my car where too many tears fell over too many cheeks. It was the first week of November, I flipped a coin to decide whether I should say anything or not, the coin was in favor. Anyway. I think there are still some tears left that didn’t get cried out, there are still some issues with my body that haven’t been smoothed out on a purely emotional level. Some of these emotions will only come out in the physical processing….

Second: Spiritual
This is no surprise, I have neglect spiritual processing and meditation quite a bit this semester because I have been engrossed in school, work and extra-curricular studies. Working, reading, writing, thinking, dreaming and the like. This I can do by myself. Must do by myself. I want sit on my Dad’s lap and tell Him what I learned, asked Him what I might’ve missed, overlooked.

Third: Physical
It seems to me that there is a significant amount of processing that I will only be able to do with someone else at hand. Learning to ask for what I want, but also learning to give what someone else has asked for. I think I need to lean into someone else and cry. I need to be naked with someone else again just so I can be sure that I’m really okay and it wasn’t a dream. I need to learn the curves of someone else’s body. The smells, the textures, the pace… the sounds. I feel like the workshop put me into an alternate universe of which I am not part – in reality, it’s the world of sexual activity. It is a foreign place where inhabitants speak a body language other than the one I know and speak. And I have no one at the moment to whom I can speak these brave words. I cannot practice saying new words like touch, more, less, here, there, now, later, good, better, best, yeah. I have never felt more grounded than when I am skin to skin, (or, nevermind skin) body to body with another person. I feel lost, and I know that not all who wander are lost, but I feel that way.

And I feel like I have not grieved for someone or something that has died. Was it me, at the workshop, or part of me? Yes, by not working this stuff out – particularly the physical processing – I feel like I am clinging to an old grief that has been yellow and crumbling for a long time. Why can’t I let it go?

I want to make it out to the “Advanced” CBE but if I still haven’t processed the first one, come January, I think it would be a very unwise decision. I can’t build on a foundation that is still mushy and wet, can I?

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