too much love

I have so much on my mind right now. This rant will say a lot of things to a lot of people, but know that when I say “you” I mean the figurative “you” plural, at large, and not anyone specifically.

There are some people in my life . . . one, two, some. Who are challenging me now. Some are old old friends from before the dawn of time (figuratively… at least it feels that way) and some are new friends who are still learning my language, and I theirs. Some are old friends who feel new again. Some are new friends who feel ancient. I’m starting to feel that familiar pressure on my chest bone, like someone is pressing their hand against it. A warm ache. A warning.

If I knew. Oh if I knew.

And. I’ve been in my hometown long enough that I’m starting to get anxious to leave. I’ve made it longer than I normally do. I’m usually surprised if I make it six months without that antsy feeling. I’ve been here doing the same thing for a year now. Existing. Alone. I’ve made progress, I suppose. No – I have made plenty of progress. My temperament dislikes stability. As soon as I have settled, I run.

She… she… she.

My heart, the capacity of my heart is so big that it makes my aloneness seem greater. I have so much love to give. So much affection and compassion. And I have not given myself the opportunity to express it. Either that, or the universe, god, people, have not given me the opportunity to express it. I’ve had my affections set on so many people in the last year. Maybe if I had one (or two?) people to focus on, then I would not scatter like marbles the gifts my heart has to offer.

Wait. Weight. Wait.
This may not be true. Lord I hope this isn’t true, but from my perspective, all the butches I’ve met, in this town anyway, over the course of the year, have been drawn to thin femmes like deer in the headlights (if they are into femmes at all – which several were not). I’m getting to the point where I’m wondering now what’s wrong with me, that I’ve been “on the market” so to speak, and not get snatched up by some adoring lover. Any. Is it because of my shape? I’m pretty, kinky, feminine and smart – what more could you want? Maybe I’m too smart. Maybe I’m too kinky. Maybe I’m too feminine. Maybe I’m too fat.

My inner feminist is screaming at me now to forget all that – she’s trying to preserve my self esteem. But if men can be attracted to big girls (and they have been believe me) then why not butches?

Disagree with me all you want. Please do. I think butches like skinny girls because they can wrap their arms all the way around and hold onto them. Skinny girls fold themselves into your strong arms and make you feel big because you’re bigger than them. Skinny girls. Puff up your big bad attitude. Somehow, their shape makes you more masculine. Isn’t that it?

Big girls just don’t do it for you, eh?

I’m indignant. I’m sorry. I know this is not what you mean to say with your actions. This is how I read it from my end.

I have so many hard conversations to have in the next few weeks. I’m going out to dinner with my best friend from jr. High and I’ve been meaning to tell her all year long. I can’t imagine a good outcome to that. And other friends have been stirring up unexplainable feelings that I don’t know how to sort and categorize. But I have to start, and talking is the starting.

P.S. If I don’t have your address. Tuesday is my last day to ship your little gift before Christmas – E-MAIL.


4 thoughts on “too much love

  1. Damn… I think I touched on this in one of my first replies on your blog. In short, I agree with you. In my opinion, lesbians are just as susceptible to societal standard of beauty (SOB) as men are.

    That being said, it seems like your town doesn’t have much to offer in terms of lesbian/dyke community.

  2. D, the difference that I’m trying to highlight is the fact that there are people who will still accept you as a person even with a body shape that falls outside the SOB, while I think there are a great number of people who would not even choose to casually associate with fat people in general. But! While people may accept a larger person for who they are, they probably don’t sexualize or fetishize fatness in the way that society does thinness, right? What I said before about queer standards of beauty – maybe instead, I meant is a feminist SOB which looks for the positive qualities in everyone and celebrates women’s uniqueness, regardless of shape. Obviously not all queers are feminists, so I mistook one for another. The dyke community here has plenty to offer, but not what I want. I live in a fairly well known city, and there are several queer circles that just tend to make friends, date and fuck each other in succession. The only intelligent, mature ones are the older ones (older than like say, 27 or so) that aren’t as much into the bar scene – but how do I find them? Ugh. This needs to be a post instead. I think we’re saying the same thing differently so it seems like we’re saying different things.

  3. Dude, after I typed that last bit about the les. community in your town and submitted the comment, I regreted it. I really don’t know enough about where you are to make that judgement, and I take it back.

    Thank you for the clarification re: feminist SOB. While I have never seen this in action, I now understand your earlier point.

    What you seem to be saying here is that while the queer community might be more open to befriending a fat girl, many lesbians still privilege thinness to the point of just not wanting to fuck a larger girl. I agree. I would also add that this is not true “acceptance.”

    Did you think that queers in general were more likely to embrace the feminist SOB, and you are now dissapointed?

  4. yeah, i think we’re on the same page now. Don’t take back the comment about the dyke scene here, it’s a fair assessment. Our queer family here is positively incestuous . . . that said, i think your right about it not being actual acceptance. My first reaction was to say that it’s just personal preference. But . . . If it were simply people’s personal preference not to be sexually attracted to larger people, that would be one thing. But it’s not that. A widespread rejection of fat girls permeates mainstream culture and all various eddies of the stream, too. If it’s everyod’s “personal preference” then that’s something else entirely. yes, i think i was expecting, or i actually believed that queers on the whole would adopt a feminist sob. Some of them do, but overall, maybe not.

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