it’s finally over
You know, I started 2007 with my work cut out for me. There was the problem of what to do about college. There was the not so little problem of my queerness. And there was the gargantuan problem of my commitment to a religious organization with which I was not being completely honest. I knew this year would be a challenge, and that it was! In February, some time before St. V’s day, I came out to my mother – not for the first time, and that will be the last time, I swear! I drove home in March, speeding down the freeway, with my belongings crammed into every little space in my car. I called a friend on the way home, asking to stay over a little while, and that became my home. Except that before that, I needed to get a little bit of sex out of my system. First things first, you know. I got a job in April, and started this blog. I started school in June and in August I moved into a bedroom to call my own (the first in nearly two years, thanks to communal living). The first week of October, I had my first real kiss and have had none since, then I attended the disruptive, dismantling CBE workshop. November brought a trip to see my mother, and a talk about the prohibition of any of my partners from family gatherings. I also confirmed with my boss that I’m queer. Finally in December, I finished my first full semester back at school and I’m ever closer to graduating.
I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be the year of therapy. I’m surprised by how well I survived 2007 because that was one hell of a ride.
Here is what I want 2008 to hold.
1. Intimacy. After living in communal housing, after being bravely open with my dorm mates, and just leaving them cold turkey, I’m craving community. Intimacy between women friends, like Delilah described. I thrive on it and I always have. I want intimacy with lovers – I want to be truly known by them.
2. Health. I have utterly neglected my health for 2 years now, and I can feel it taking its toll. I need to get my hormone imbalance and my blood glucose problems under control. I need to swim and exercise so that my knee strength improves. I have oral surgery that needs to happen. My skin needs some TLC, especially on my face. I have to quit smoking. Have to have to have to. No more of this stopping until i feel like starting again business.
3. Activism. The reason I came home wasn’t to spend my money and my time on selfish things. I came home so that I could be useful to my Christian sisters and brothers who are gay like me, and I have done nothing productive. At least, I don’t think. Once I get myself grounded, that is my next step.
4. Heart. My heart is scarred, whether I want to believe it or not. I have not been a fan of talk therapy the past several years. When I was in Jr. High, I think it did me a lot of good. But since then it has caused me nothing but trouble. The “counselors” I have been to seem to build upon each other, rather than tear down the lies and the injustices that the others have served me. They have “prayed” over me countless times in hopes that it would save me from certain doom – the nasty H word. Homosexuality. I want someone who will affirm my queer identity, yet also shares my faith tradition. I think it’s important to at least start my therapy with a queer person of ministry, since I ejected myself out of that position with next to no “processing” or “debriefing” work. I’ve been a rogue, alone, and I forgot that no woman is an island, least of all me. Long story short, I want to give my heart what it deserves.
5. Commitment. My school work needs my attention, and I don’t want to hit this time next year and be wishing I had worked harder. It’s only six more classes, max, and I need to make it worthwhile and salvage my GPA in case I want to do graduate school (although that thought makes me ill).
Above all else, my New Year’s Resolution is to try new things.
On an entirely different topic, please note that while I prefer the company of women, I have never been entirely opposed to a polite, respectful, intelligent, naughty boy. These are hard to find. But I’m finding myself curious, and strangely confident. I feel like I can tackle just about anything, these days. Even that.
Lastly, you will be interested to know that I have tentative plans to be photographed as follows: nude, tied up in that red hemp rope and kneeling on a hardwood floor. And on a fleece rug. And in the kitchen on the tile floor. But which will it be? Dirty girls on a clean floor? or clean girls on a dirty floor? I can’t decide which I like best.
Something’s brewing. The wind is shifting for me. The air tastes wet.