i think i’m in for some life lessons

Erin called me on her way to bed tonight. I was cleaning up from Family Night at Kay’s after everyone had gone outside to smoke and talk, when the phone rang. Her job has apparently been taking up a lot of her time, and we’ve had an awful time trying to keep in touch. In fact we’ve barely spoken to one another since the last time – we can’t seem to catch each other at the right time, unfortunately. Her birthday is next week, I wish I could be part of that. She told me to call her Monday after I get out of work at 10 and we can get together. I can’t decide if I want to spend some more time getting to know her, or if I just want to leave that part alone. It is difficult for me to be able to know someone without caring for them a lot, so the more I know about her, the more I’m going to care about her. And that is, apparently, dangerous territory. But it’s funny. I want to care about her. I do, in a sense. But not too terribly much…

Yet. This is coming from the mouth of a girl who has never had a proper girlfriend. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid she’s going to want to go too fast? Am I afraid of hurting her? What’s my deal? I think maybe I’m afraid of being tied down, of having my curiosity harnessed and corralled. And I don’t want that. I want to be able to pick and choose. But I guess that just means that if I really do get into a relationship, hopefully it will be one that I know I want, since I have not truly wanted anything yet.

Speaking of hurting people. I told a half-truth to Marian today, trying to get out of a date with her to my favorite restaurant. Why would I do that, you ask? I can’t handle her shit, that’s why. Twice, now, she has erupted into an emotional fit about how unlovable she is(n’t) after I was trying to explain that we’re not right for each other. TWICE. If I have not mentioned it before, let me do so now: Self-hatred is absolutely intolerable. I can understand if you have doubts about yourself, I can understand if there’s a few things you’d like to change, but I cannot stand, cannot be in the presence of outright self-hatred. This is especially true after I have already told you several times that you are valuable and cherished. So, I’m going to have to figure out a polite way to say “we can be friends but you’re not for me, and I know you’re not for me, so stop trying to convince me because it was over before it started, honey.” Instead, I told her I was on my period and feeling sick to my stomach. It was true, but I still could have taken some drugs and gone with her anyway. I’m sad, it was my favorite fresh seafood restaurant that overlooks the bay – and it was her idea when she didn’t even know that my grandfather used to take the family there all the time…


2 thoughts on “i think i’m in for some life lessons

  1. the self-esteem thing drives me crazy. (this was the problem i had with a.) i think the thing is, it’s the fishing for compliments – it’s manipulative, recognizing that i’m a big softie and playing it for sympathy. and it works, because it’s true. but once i notice it…well, nothing pisses me off more than manipulation.

    anyhow…did someone say commitment? *runs* 😉

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