I’ve been on the go since I got back from the workshop. Not a day to myself until today. But the unraveling process couldn’t wait until I had a peaceful day off. No. I’ve been unraveling since I “crash” landed home. I had to go to work that same day, and the next day, and the day after that. Then, on Saturday we got up early and went to the pride parade and did fun things all day. Sunday I went to church and then cooked for four freaking hours for Dana’s surprise birthday party (which went off with nary a hitch!). Yesterday I had to work, and then Dana kinda had it out over Crave. A lot of it had to do with misunderstandings, and some of it has to do with the fact that we are still fairly new to one another and we are still cultivating a sense of security with one another. It was hard.
This morning, though. She said, “I’m sorry you miss Crave” (as in, “I’m sorry it hurts”) and she said “I’m sorry she doesn’t feel the same way for you as you feel for her” (as in, again, “I’m sorry it hurts”) — It’s true. It’s hurting a lot.
Today I am in hot pursuit of change. I had a massage from Crave last Monday and something snapped inside me. For several years I’ve had a tentative plan to attend massage school. This time with Crave, I understood that the healing power of massage can have so much to do with emotions, spirit, and mind. Before, it had always been about the physical. To get me started in the right direction, I bought a massage textbook to work through over the next few months, and I also started looking up different massage schools. If I stay in Florida I’ll have to do 600 hours of class. If I go to New York state, I’ll have to do 1000 hours, but I’ll be able to practice anywhere. NY will also offer me the change of scenery that I need. I don’t have to stay there forever, but I could use that as a runway to someplace else.
My fluttering Gemini heart needs change to survive, and I’ve been doing the same damn thing for way too long. (Funny. A year seems like such a long time. One day I’ll really have to settle down.)