Where have I been?
A quick note before this rant, I will be participating in the blog tour to kick off Visible: A Femmethology on April 16th. Today we heard from Sinclair his beautiful poem that expresses such sweet awe toward femmes. Tomorrow visit Ellie Lumpesse for her take on things. Here’s the scoop on the femmethology:
Visible: A Femmethology (March 2009) Homofactus Press: This 2 volume collection “celebrates the diversity of individual femmes.” The publication includes works by seasoned writers and new authors that address the intersectionality of femme identities across categories like race, class and body type. Visible continues writing femme as visibly queer.
Moving right along!
Very sorry for not writing lately. I have been attending to a world of other things. A few weeks ago my friend AJ come to town. By came to town, I mean I drove to GA to pick him up, brought him back to central Florida and then a week later, I took him home. The driving part was good, but the time in between was chaotic. Tuesday, Sol was in the hospital due to some kind of ill-explained drug overdose. Then pa tri ci a was in the hospital on Thursday because of a migraine that lasted two weeks. Everyone was on edge the whole time, and AJ was trying to decide if he wanted to move home to our city, and stay with us. At the same time, we also weren’t sure if Autumn and Sol were going to come live with us or not. As it turns out, no one is moving in with us. AJ is going to Philly with his mum, and Autumn and Sol snuck off to Jacksonville without telling a single person they were leaving, without saying goodbye, without saying oops, we decided we’re not moving in with you. Nothing.
As irritated as I am about all the drama, I feel a deep sense of relief.
After that, I had spring break and I had to orchestrate the transfer of some furniture from my Grandma’s storage unit to my house. The issue with that was the fact of my not being allowed to come out to these people (per mom). It turned out alright, but it was pretty crazy. At the end of spring break, on the spring equinox, I catered and photographed yet another wedding, this time it was vegan, with freshly brewed loose leaf tea. Dana and I have decided that we should go into business together as caterers of small events under 30 people. So far we’ve made a great team.
Last Tuesday my beloved PJ, dog of my childhood, darling red mini dachshund was euthanized. His health had been declining quickly over the previous month. It had only in been about a month since they realized that he had a heart murmur. And suddenly he was gone. My mother hurts as bad as if she had lost a partner. She said, “he had become my other half.” When you live alone, everything that you do happens with your creature. She called me crying today, saying that my brother left to go to the internet cafe in town and she caught herself about to say, “he’ll be home soon, PJ.” She’s been unemployed since October. It’s getting desperate. And now she lost that sweet soul. Se swears she will never again have animals, but I know if she had a new little life in her home it would be a lot easier for her to cope with the loss of PJ. I was sad too, but I haven’t lived with PJ for almost three years. He was precious to me, but his death only brings me closer to my own. At the time that he was ill, and at the time of his death I had been struggling with fear of the unknown, of the nothingness, or of the afterlife, whichever there is. I finally understood that after life there is peace. We don’t know what it looks like, we cannot know what it looks like, but we also cannot waste away our consciousness for lack of knowing what’s next. That phase is over.
After spring break came, “oh shit I have 4 weeks left of school.” Now I have three weeks. I have chapter upon chapter of my independent study homework due. I have my senior portfolio to perfect and turn in. I have to keep up with my class meetings so that I do not lose any more class participation time. I’m graduating on May 2nd!
This past weekend consisted of coffee, tea and many wee hours constructing a scholarly poster of my research about butch and femme literature. It was finally completed and I am very proud of my work. It will be featured in my school’s undergraduate research symposium on Friday (holy crap that’s the day after tomorrow!).
Tonight, I was supposed to be doing homework, but all I want to be doing is holding Dana in bed and going back to dream land. Last night I dreamed that some distant aunt of mine was getting married, and apparently she was the epitome of high femme because she had arranged for all of her attendants to wear these beautiful silk gowns. There were so many gowns, I couldn’t imagine having so many attendants! I awoke before I was able to be fitted and dressed in my gown. If I could, I would always wear formal silk gowns.
Lest I forget, money! I was negative two times in the month of March. I’m glad that’s over. I’ve been living off some money that I got when my father passed away in 2004. It was quickly dwindling and I really need to find a job soon and I’m truly terrified by that prospect, not only because I’m afraid there won’t be any job for me, but I’m also afraid of getting stuck in a job that I will hate. I need prayers for that one. In a big way.
Also, I’m applying for grad school at my university for the Women’s Studies program, and for the Master of Library and Information Science. If I could get a GAship that would be fantastic. We’ll see how it goes, though.
Phew. that was a lot of life, and not a lot of smut. I’m sorry. I just don’t have time for it right now. I’ll still be bringing you sex, sexuality and gender, just not as blatantly as before. If you would like to read my research on butch/femme please just e-mail me. I’ll be happy to share with you the things that have been on my mind.