In Memoriam

I wanted to write about Femme Conference, and I wanted to do it sooner than today. But I’ve been struggling with aligning my life schedule with the rest of the world.

Over the past several days I have been surrounded by images of death and I do not like it. Last Thursday night my mother’s boyfriend passed away. He had been sick for several weeks after his colon ruptured. At first he looked as if he was healing marvelously, but then he developed an infection. I’m not exactly sure about the details of his final moments. All I know is that this is the second lover that mum has lost. Next month will be six years that my father has been gone, taken by the muscular dystrophy that afflicts my family. She’s a mess. I’m going to go visit her in North Carolina next week. She had been working for him under his business name as an oversize load escort (you know the cars with lights and flags that make room for the trucks carrying oversize loads). He got sick about a week after she started doing runs by herself. She hasn’t been paid. She’s cutting it close with her house payment this month. I’m unemployed too, I don’t know how to help her. But I do know that I can come and visit and wait on her hand and foot, cook and clean for her and generally give her space to grieve without having to worry about the house. She’s such an angel despite our differences and it makes me sad when she’s hurting. My childhood dog left us early last year and she felt like she was losing her life partner because he had been her companion since before my father divorced her. She said yesterday that it feels like she’s losing my dad and and the pup all over again. I just want to squeeze her tight and make all of this distress melt away.

Last week I also had a dream that I was vapor, ether, pure energy, spirit. I was floating across some kind of English moor, trying to escape… something. Or trying to get to something… I’m not sure. All I know is that I was scared.

WARNING: This next part is a little bit gory and horrific. If you can’t handle horror films, don’t read the following. It’s completely deranged and I have never dreamed of such a thing, I don’t even watch horror films because they scare me too badly. Ugh.

Last night I dreamed of relative non-existence like that again. I didn’t realize it in the beginning. I saw that there were statues of two young children. Their spirits had been trapped within the stone, immobilized statues. I could push a lever or something and they would be released for a moment. It seemed to be on a timer and I repeated the process several times until I could figure out what needed to be done in order to free them. I interrogated them and found that they had been trapped for something ridiculous like 200 years and dearly wished to be freed. Somehow, I figured it out and they joined me in what I thought was the waking world. When they appeared, they were actually young adults, mid-twenties like me.

Unfortunately, I soon realized that I was not living, that I was a spirit, too. Perhaps I became a spirit when I freed them, I’m really not sure.

Night fell and some sort of steward of spirits came. S/he said that at night “they” would grate the flesh from our bones and feed it to us. Just thinking about this is creeping me out, but I feel like writing about it might help make it seem less real. It seemed as though the process was repeated every night and then one would to sleep a skeleton and awake with one’s corporeal appearance intact. If I had been awake, I would have felt that lead in the pit of my stomach. As they served my meal, I think I began to cry, I was flustered, trying to explain to them that I had been vegetarian for six years (it has only been 3 months) and that eating meat was really going to bother me. I think I was trying to find an excuse not to eat my grated remains. I kept protesting and cried harder until I was jolted awake at 8 a.m. I had only gone to sleep at 4 a.m. (which is usual) but I couldn’t go back to sleep for fear of re-entering this horrible nightmare. Ugh.

Any suggestions? I know it’s creepy and gross and weird but I’m hoping that it has a meaning, instead of just being something that I ate…

I have a hard enough time with issues of death and dying, I don’t want to be dreaming about it too. I’m sort of afraid to go to bed tonight as well.

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2 thoughts on “In Memoriam

  1. (Came across your blog thru The Femme Guide. *smiles*)

    I think maybe your dream maybe a sending from a deity/spirit that wants to help you deal with dying and death, I have no ideas as to “Whom” would be doing this though. But you could try to do some meditational work with the intent of finding out. I am sorry if any of these ideas offend you, this was not my intent and I know not everything follows my own religious/ spiritual inclinations…..anyways…so far I like your blog and look forward to reading more.

    Sarah (SwitchWitch)

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