Sooo. The boy, that first boy, who didn’t make fun of me for being unsure of how it works with boys, who complimented my skills, who made me feel like a lady, who didn’t prohibit me from serving him in small ways…has met someone. I knew it would happen eventually but I didn’t think it was so soon. They met this weekend on a big annual camping trip which a local group hosts. She has a lot to learn about polyamory and “the lifestyle” but he cannot stop smiling. Part of me is glad that my friend is so happy. Part of me really really really likes him and feels quite disappointed. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past couple of years, it’s to do your best to not expect people to do/be certain things. If you must have expectations, make them flexible and hold them with open palms instead of clenched fists. I don’t think I have seen the last of him, especially because of how small the (genuine, enthusiastic) BDSM community is in my metropolitan area. Today when we talked about this, he mentioned that we had not been able to “play” together yet, and perhaps a little bit of play would be a good way to begin introducing poly and BDSM to this new friend. He has described her as eager, curious and hungry for knowledge. A bit of a nerdy, hippy, crafty gaming enthusiast. And bisexual. Despite all my ambivalent feelings, I do think that I’m going to like this girl. Thinking well of her will be the fastest way for me to adjust my (pliable) expectations about my interactions with said boy.
There is another boy too. Can you believe it? I don’t think I ever knew before recently that I any more lessons to learn about sexual freedom. I’m getting free of my binaries, giving myself some wiggle room within my queer identity. I’m still trying to figure how to respect and value all the work I put into developing my femme lesbian identity while allowing myself the freedom to love whom I chose. I am entrenched in lesbian culture. Can’t fucking get away from it. Even today I had to purposefully disengage from the smoldering ashes of a lesbian drama train wreck that had absolutely nothing to do with me except that I am related to each party in one or more of the following ways: roommate, former roommate, former schoolmate, ex-girlfriend, ex friend. Agggchhh! Wow, okay, so I guess I have some struggles to resolve in that area. Anyway. So I’m entrenched in lesbian culture. But I really really really like boys. And I don’t know how to talk to them, to express my interest, to flirt with them or to draw out their dominant tendencies because they are not lesbians. Also boys are weird and it seems as though even when they try to be communicative, I still miss the big cues (while picking up on the subtle details! Wtf?). I’m learning.
I have some things in common with this new other guy though and that helps. We both endured a protestant Christian upbringing and religious indoctrination programs in our early 20s. We both moved away from that lifestyle and are now in the business of empowering young people to think critically about society, institutions and power. His outreach is more formal as he is a high school sociology teacher while I prefer to form friendships with people while slowly introducing radical-ish concepts to them until they suddenly realize how much freer they could be. This boy has long well-groomed hair, handsome facial hair, and kind/mischievous eyes (like me!). He is a renaissance man (seriously, he’s a rennie) who knows how to cook and sew. He rides a motorcycle, though, and that makes me nervous but he’s super safe about it and wears lots of armor (which is why he’s still alive!). Also, his riding boots look SO tasty. Have I mentioned how much I love to kneel, kissing and licking and worshiping boots?
He is SO thin, though, and that makes me so nervous because/although I am a confident curvy lass. Less curvy now than I’ve been in a long time. I lost 20 pounds over the summer just by walking.
Tomorrow I’m bringing him cookies. He liked the others I made. I have no idea if he’s even interested in me at all. I don’t know how to read boys, I don’t know how this boy/girl stuff works. But I’m going to keep trying to express my interest in ways that are tasteful and timely.
Sooo. I like boys. And now, it matters less and less what’s inside a boy’s pants, as long as there is boy in their heart/demeanor/appearance.
Oh, P.S. I got a seasonal job, and have lots of homework for the next few weeks. Updating Femmesguide.com is definitely on the to do list.
All my love. No really. All of it. ❤