Where I’ve been and where I’m going

I’m going to try to strike a balance between whining and sugar coating things. I’m not in a pretty place financially. Emotionally, I’m still keeping my head above the water. This might take awhile.

I can’t even remember April. I think I did a lot of homework – somehow my student loan money disappeared. May was occupied with trying to find a job – which I did, accidentally. My car’s transmission was broken for a month. I emptied my IRA to pay for it to be fixed. I’ve been trying to apply for food stamps but I haven’t heard back from them yet. I stopped taking Wellbutrin because I couldn’t afford the $50/month and they don’t have a patient assistance program for the extended release and I can barely be trusted to take it once a day, let alone twice. I was out of diabetes medicine for 2 weeks because my university’s health clinic wanted me to pay a fee to use the services except that my doctor said she didn’t need to see me until september and we didn’t realize that I needed a refill until after the semester was over. Speaking of school, the department of education still thinks I’m below 67% completion and I now have to prove that I had a legitimate reason to drop all of my classes last Spring before they will allow me to get federally subsidized loans again. This is why I’m not taking summer classes. I had to overdraw my checking account to pay for my mobile phone, which was when I found out that after 11 years of membership, my credit union had no problem closing my account and refusing me a new one if it had stayed overdrawn for over a month. Luckily I was able to deposit enough money to preserve the account. I have had a tire with a slow leak since late April which I can’t afford to replace so I’ve been keeping my gentleman friend’s tire pump, which I have to use about every 4 days. I’m surprised I have been able to keep enough gas in my tank to get to/from work. Speaking of work, it is more than minimum wage, but less than what I need and only 28 hours a week. I think I’ve gotten the hang of it, but I still think I need a second job. Although it is office work, I still come home exhausted. I’m getting used to waking up at 8. I’m ill suited for mornings. Plus I’m trying to pack this week for my move on Saturday – even further downtown – into a 2 bedroom house with margarita and her beloved. Although the rent will be considerably cheaper, my sewing studio is going to be in a garage with no windows or a/c. Speaking of sewing, I have a client that needs four business casual separates pieces by next Wednesday which I have not started – plus it turns out I don’t have money to buy some of the materials because I had to pay bills with the deposit she gave me. It’s hot. I still need to pay for car insurance, which I had to drop down to the lowest legal amount and I still can’t pay it.

The food situation is maddening. This week I’ve been eating rice and canned beans. margarita has been feeding me leftovers because she’s already had her food stamps approved. I’ve spent a total of $40 on food over the last six weeks. One day I came home crying because I was so hungry and all I wanted was some fucking bananas and I didn’t even have change for a banana. Of course every time I come up with an excuse to be upset about something, someone else turns up with a worse problem than mine, which is what happened that day. I have a friend whose family kicked him out for not being able to get a job, another friend whose job is so far away that the last bus stop is over a mile from her employer’s location.

See, I’ve got my head above the waters but is that a true metaphor? I’m curious about the life under the surface – what will I find? New friends I never knew I had? Beautiful experiences that I’m missing out on because I’m so adamant about struggling back to dry land?

I feel like every time I catch my breath I get knocked down again. I just have to keep getting back up.

While I’ve enjoyed my gentleman friend’s company very much, I’ve concluded that I really am oriented to female bodied people. Had an unfortunate experience with a man nearly twice my age recently. He backed me into an “I love you” corner after our first outing and then pitched a huge fit when I told him 2 days later I was not ready to take things to the next level. I’m looking for the old school butch to match my classic femme. Someone close enough to my age who’s ready to start building a future. Who doesn’t believe in unrealistic expectations of love & relationships, but still appreciates romance and (feminist) chivalry. I’ve been missing Dana – the one who loved me and cared for me even when things were tough – especially because in less than a week I’ll be moving out of the home we have shared for the past 3 years. She is my friend and we fit like puzzle pieces. We love each other, and yet in this phase of life we cannot be partnered to each other. I worry for her as she branches out on her own, but I have to finally let her go, especially since it has been over a year since we ended our relationship.

If you got this far, I’m sorry for writing so much. I hope to be reporting brighter things before summer’s end. Life is good, I’m just learning my lessons.

P.S. One good thing about May was my birthday party. margarita got some of my friends together to celebrate on my birthday with wine, tea, cosmopolitans, crudites and cake. I had a lovely time and it is definitely one of the bright spots over the past 2 months. I’m still dreaming about walking in the door and getting handed a martini. 🙂 That’s a happy thought!

2 thoughts on “Where I’ve been and where I’m going

  1. Hello sweetheart. Please email me your new address so I can give you a house-warming gift. greenydgrl (gmail) – or at my regular aol address if you remember it. xoxo

  2. Sometimes getting back up is all we seem to do. You’re a strong and beautiful woman. Sometimes you will feel that is not enough, but remember it is your core that carries you through. xx VIc

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