Bits from recent journals & e-mails
Why I Can’t Seem to Succeed
I will never get anywhere in life if I can’t make up my goddamn mind. I think that my failure to succeed in school stems from feeling inadequate, and feeling like I’ll never be great, so what’s the point of trying? Or, if I am great, can I handle it? I can hardly handle being just barely acceptable (in my estimation, of course). When you are great, so much is required of you. Can you really enjoy life when all your time is taken up with maintaining your greatness? How great is great enough? What if I become great at something I don’t really care about? What if, after all my education and training and scholarship, I still just want to be a beautiful, intelligent, skilled, revolutionary homemaker? (1) Will it all have been a waste; (2) How will I pay for the entertaining and expensive detour on my way to a life of joyful simplicity?
But I don’t really want simplicity. I want the grandeur. But I don’t think I’m capable of attaining it. I want to be the wife and beloved of someone great, who is worthy in her own right, but chooses the occupation of cultivating joy and warmth in the home of the one(s) she loves.
Fires, one material, one immaterial
My boss has been unbelievably insensitive, and I need to escape her as soon as possible. She refused my request for a raise, even a small one, and has prohibited me from cooking my lunch the microwave (wtf??). On top of her overall bitchiness, blaming her mistakes on me, and complaining about not getting enough clients. I’m more actively looking now. Can’t take much more of this.
1) Last night I was propositioned by yet another couple. In the back of my mind, I always suspected they would ask me. It got me thinking about why I have had such terrible luck finding people who are interested in 1:1 interaction, yet in the past oh 10 months or so, I’ve had only couples requesting my appearance in the bedroom. And not just one or two. More than that. If it were female couples, I might not be complaining, but they aren’t. Apparently this is the nightmare of a poly queer/bisexual-ish girl with a calming, nurturing personality. I haven’t accepted the offer yet, and I’m not sure I will. Saying no is going to be difficult.
2. My next-door neighbors’ house burned this morning. There was one fire engine arriving (the firehouse is right down 22nd street before the Interstate, thank heavens) when I got outside around 11:30. I wasn’t sure if I needed to take our eight animals to my car (I was home alone!) but I couldn’t fit them all… after I moved my car around the block, they had it under control, but it burned for probably 30 minutes. Our house had no damage. I brought water out for my neighbors, a cheese sandwich for the little boy, bags and an old suitcase, and whatever boxes we had for them to get their belongings. I’ve had a shower but I’ve developed a headache. I’m going to the tea lounge for a bit to cool off. That is the closest I’ve been to a house fire. I’m upset but I can’t cry, as usual.