It’s not that I hate being single, but I hate being single.

March. Always a big month. Things like to fall apart in the Spring. I wrote about it last March.

This year, March brought house fire. Not to my house, but the one directly next to it. I was alone with 8 animals, and all I could think about for three days thereafter was, “What if I couldn’t get them all out in time?” Of course I would have done my best, and that’s all I would have been able to do. But we have so much stuff. The fire showed me how much more important it is for me to downsize. I moved into this house with enough belongings for a 1600 sq. ft. house. I have downsized some, at least as far as furniture goes, but my personal effects are still unmanageable. March is the month I have designated for myself to get my bedroom in order. I have a week left and I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be. With so little space, and cramming my sewing room into my bedroom, I am having to be a bit more creative with the space. Yesterday’s epiphany was how the fuck do you make a loft for a king size bed. I need that extra space desperately and I won’t mind the climb. The when and how all depends on whether or not we’re planning to move in June. Which we might. If there’s money. Especially after everything that has gone on in our neighborhood over the past few months. Not awful things (aside from the house fire) but very uncomfortable things that make me feel somewhat unsafe.

April, the goal is to get my car sorted. I need to donate a bunch of stuff that I’ve been dragging around in my car for almost a year. I took out the recycling, there are some books I want to sell to a used book store, and I need to create a way of organizing the things that I do plan to keep in my car (granola bars, paper, pen, emergency makeup, travel hairbrush, etc). I’ve made myself an organizer for the back of my seats, but I need another one. I need an oil change, and a car wash, and for the inside to be vacuumed and detailed. But I can’t do that unless I clear out the clutter. Right?

The job situation is giving me anxiety, as is the money, since I am no better off now than I was a year ago. Where the fuck did all that money go??

All that stuff aside, I just want to say that I hate being single. It has nothing to do with the grand romance narrative that people have a tendency to buy into. It has nothing to do with lack of sex. Okay. Maybe it has a little bit to do with lack of sex. But mostly, I hate being single because I just need help. There are things that I am just not good at, and I need someone who is willing to push me to accomplish my goals. Similarly, I have strengths to offer someone else, maybe to help them with the areas where they struggle. I have some amazing friends, don’t get me wrong, but it is a very different thing to have someone to share in the joy and the struggle of every day. I don’t need another person to validate my existence. That’s not what I’m talking about. I am talking about sharing the responsibilities of daily life. It is so much easier to handle the bills, the laundry, the cooking and cleaning, the driving, the planning and the dreaming when shared with another person. I don’t necessarily want just one partner either, but I need to at least start with one. Unfortunately, the kinds of people that I want to partner with don’t seem to live around here. I am tired of the backwards baseball-caps and yesterday’s t-shirts, the bud light and I am especially tired of the general lack of intelligence and critical thinking.

On top of hating being single, I need to get out of Florida. I have begun to hate it here. The heat and the anti-intellectualism, the same ragged queer community I’ve been staring at for 5 years… the heterocentric kink community, nevermind the TEN YEARS I have spent at a university affectionately nicknamed “U Stay Forever.” It is time for me to leave, and I am trapped by money. By dental work that desperately needs to be done but I can’t afford, by my loneliness, by the lack of physical space that is mine alone, by my personal effects that crowd up around me. It is time for a change and it has been that time for awhile now, and I just can’t seem to get any forward motion. And that makes me feel pretty awful.

I promise. When something awesome happens, I’ll let you know.

Something awesome *did* happen. And then it didn’t. And I can’t even tell you about it.

P.S. How the fuck am I going to get to Femme Conference??

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2 thoughts on “It’s not that I hate being single, but I hate being single.

  1. yikes – house fire! that’s some scary stuff.

    it’s interesting, though, i always found being single much easier than not with regard to the boring daily life stuff (bills, laundry, cleaning, food type stuff). actually, i think i found it easier in almost every respect. i suppose i’m really in it for the grand romance and the sex…

    best of luck, dear.

  2. It’s weird. I feel like I understood exactly how you were feeling in quite a few spots during this post.

    I’ve embraced being single for a year now, but I miss various aspects of having someone else I can depend on. I don’t need another person to be happy, but I miss having someone to have deep, intellectually stimulating conversation with.

    I hope to see you at the Femme Conference! I’m trying to figure out how to get there too.

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