Brace for Impact

My life has been in a little bit of a lull since July… a lull and a blur. I’ve been staying very quiet and home more often than not since it got cold. This is my first real winter ever, and while I’ve mastered the art of dressing warm, I still haven’t completely mastered driving in snow and ice. Plus, any time four raindrops fall, my mother practically faints if I say I’m going out. Nevermind ice and snow. At first, it was hard for her to understand that sometimes I’m going to stay out late. It is better now, especially if I continually give her updates on my well-being and whereabouts. She really shouldn’t worry so much, and she really shouldn’t try to tell me when and where to go or not, or ask me to check in constantly. But she is a care taker, like me. She can’t help herself. For this period of time, I am choosing not to make a fuss about it.

I’ve been trying to get my sewing “business” in order. Several very nice looking samples have come from this work, I’ve been averaging at least one completed garment per week (which is incredible!), and each one is better than the previous one. They are mostly fluffy girly stuffs, petticoats, bloomers, blouses, aprons, but all are very plain. They are sort of my foundation “line” upon which I will build. Hopefully. I can do formal wear, but I don’t have any samples yet. Usually the things I make go right out the door before I get proper photographs. There are some businesses in the hipster city 40 minutes East of my house that need to see my work. Once that’s done, these garments will be going in a “sample sale” on Etsy.

Recently went to the dentist and received some rather grave news. I applied for a health care credit account, and was immediately denied. No big surprise there. I just don’t know where I’m going to rustle up approximately $2500. By this time next year, I’ll be needing another $2500. Sometime in the next 5 years, there will be a major procedure that will cost upwards of $10,000. It is really difficult not to stress over all this, especially because the first procedure really can’t wait even a couple of months if I want it to be successful.

I met a really special person a few weeks ago. He’s very wounded and needs a lot of care, but he is very honest about the places where his wounds are still healing. My lover-healer nature went into effect immediately. The strange part is, it is not at all one sided. If only I could get him to realize that. We have had some truly spiritual, restorative and healing sex + quiet resting in each others’ arms. He’s not one to “share” so it is doubtful that we’ll have a lasting arrangement, but at the very least, I’ve made a good friend who, even in his brokenness, can somehow recharge my spiritual batteries. Maybe soon I’ll write more about him.

Actually, starting the day after I met this fella, I had a string of really strange and somewhat disturbing dreams that made me start wondering about things like astral projection. I hardly remember my dreams at all, let alone several in such a short time span, and all of them so vastly unlike my usual dreams. Granted, the dreams I remember most are the frightening ones, but some of these weren’t frightening. My diet and supplements haven’t changed. But I have been listening to ambient and psytrance music at bedtime. Perhaps that’s the cause of it all? It may be, however, that I am re-opening my spiritual eyes, which I have been squinting and even kept shut for several years now. When the physical world is overwhelming enough, I have had no leftover energy for the spiritual realms.

Finally, it is February. This is the month before March. And March is the time of the year when my entire life likes to do cartwheels. Really, any time between mid-February and mid-April. Stuff gets out of control, money gets out of control, frightening and unexpected things happen, big changes go into effect… I’ve written about all of it before. So right now, I’m trying to get my head really screwed on properly so that when stuff goes to shit, as they say, I’ll be ready to handle it with grace. We’ll see how it goes.

Speaking of March, I’m trying to ask the universe how I can possibly get myself to Outside the Boxes – Celebrating the Queer Body Erotic. Sinclair’s moving description and prayer for this workshop brought me to tears. I cannot think of anything that would be better for me at this juncture in my life than healing and processing in the context of a sacred circle. I have moved away from my life-long home, left the community of friends and lovers that I had built up around me over the past decade, and started the work of rebuilding. Within the circle, I may be able to grieve the loss of the physical proximity of my chosen family, who now live 800 miles away. There are other losses too, ones that I am reluctant to discuss at this time and in this forum. The progress I have made in my personal life has come at a high price. It was worth it, but it still stings, and my current living arrangements have made it somewhat difficult to do the very important processing and releasing of my experiences over the last year and a half.

Dear universe, dear precious, awe-inspiring, fearsome, jubilant universe. Please help me find a way to rejoin the circle. It will take money, courage, and some explaining and not-explaining to my mother where I’m going. There is a way. Help me find it. In all things, and in all circumstances, I will continue striving to walk in gratitude. Thank you.

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