What exactly do I want?
I was flipping through my journal that has been quite neglected over the past couple of years, and found this from 11th January last year.
I want these things:
- An amount of personal belongings that is gratifying and yet easy to transport whenever it is necessary to do so.
- Access to transportation that is stress-free, affordable and appropriate to my living situation.
- An amount of space that allows for the practice of handicrafts, yet is easy to manage and that I can keep looking nice for guests.
- The freedom to entertain guests without asking permission and coordinate a sense of privacy – especially for sexual partners.
- Access to adequate, affordable medical and dental care.
- Money in savings for a reasonable measure of security in case of emergencies.
- A salary that allows me to control debt.
- Excess funds with which to provide for my mother’s needs when she is not able to continue working.
- Provisions for my own aging process, even if they are small at first.
- Time and access to resources that help me maintain and improve my fitness, whether this is a gym, or community resources for exercise, yoga and walking.
- A thriving, hopeful queer community that can take me as I am, and a femme community if possible.
- A small group of local, trustworthy friends who share similar goals, ideals and beliefs, and who can pick me up when I am shaken to the core while providing me with reasonable opportunities to reciprocate.
- Resources and good reasons for a gratifying amount and frequency of travel – at least every two years, ideally multiple times a year to accommodate my strong compulsion to wander.
- Resources for clothing that is affordable and that represent my personal sense of style.
- A meaningful career or work that helps others as well as me.
What do I desire of my intimate associations?
A primary partner who:
- Affirms and supports my identity as a queer poly femme.
- Also considers themselves queer and poly (at least well enough to feel secure when I play with others).
- Desires a family with children, not just yet, and not just for the sake of having a family, but in order to contribute to society in a meaningful way, including potentially fostering or adopting children in need of homes, as there is a surplus of these!
- Has an education and a level of intelligence that complements or exceeds mine.
- Has career goals and the desire to help others through that career.
- Lacks fundamental medical or mental health needs that could require more assistance than I can or will be able to provide for in the future. (Please note: Obviously we all have issues, I’m not trying to hate on people with health problems. It’s just that I have taken care of family members since I was big enough to help my dad put on his shoes. I just don’t have it in me anymore.)
- Can stick with me through tough times and good times.
- Has strong communication skills, needs and desires.
- Lacks issues with anger, and knows when to ask for help with personal struggles from me and others.
- Understands that relationships do not last forever and can end a relationship in a healthy, productive manner, rather than in a destructive way.
- Respects my boundaries and has their own.
- Knows how to express feelings, is in touch with their own intimate self.
- Is not afraid of my feelings, even the intense feelings.
- Respects others, and regularly demonstrates that respect, even toward people whose “station” in life is “lowly.”
- Knows when to get mad – especially about injustice – yet expresses that anger in productive ways.
- Has opinions formed all on their own and respects mine and others’.
- Understands and is comfortable with the many forms of love.
- Desires a peaceful, relatively clean and organized home, but understands that people come first, not things.
- Could at least entertain the idea of me becoming a non-wage-earning person.
- Embraces change, or at least deals with it reasonably well.
[Here, I left more than half a page blank for adding things later!]
A few secondary partners who:
- Respect my primary relationship.
- Love to play, experiment, and laugh about it.
- Provide opportunities for power exchange.
- Share my philosophy about poly relationships.
- Communicate well – listening and expressing.
- Have boundaries and respect mine.
- Can express love without debilitating fear or unhealthy obsession.
- Comprehend the fundamentally impermanent nature of secondary relationships and can begin and end them in healthy, productive ways.
These desires haven’t changed at all over the past year, and some of my wishes for my lifestyle are actually true. On the whole, though, I’m not quite there. Especially as regards the amount of space and the freedom to entertain visitors. But I’ve traveled quite a bit, and there’s more travel coming, and I’m probably going to Florida for my 29th birthday in May. I haven’t traveled this much in a couple of years, and it gives me a really profound sense of freedom, despite other factors of Living With my Mother.
It’s coming along, my life. The gears are shifting, the wheels and cogs are falling into alignment, and I’ve got my helmet on. I’m ready.