Not lonely anymore
This is just a bunch of navel-gazing and personal stuff, so please skip if you’re looking for politics or sex or something!
I have spent a lot of time being lonely over the past few years. I’m not exactly sure when it started. It would have been somewhere in between the time when I scaled back my relationship with my viking lad and moving in with my best friend. Living with a couple is a very lonely thing. The fact that I was a solitary individual was always in my mind. A lot of complaining happened, and I am very sorry for those who had to listen to it. I had (and still have) lots of friends in Florida, and they were all incredibly good to me. They have taken care of me when I could not take care of myself.
When I moved to North Carolina, I knew that I would have to make new friends, learn new customs and find a way to get myself into a community here. The last time I had to do this (I went to a college in a different city when I was 18), things did not turn out so well and I ran home before I had even been there a year. In this new city, new state, new culture, I am still feeling like an outsider, very out of place. Two weeks from today, I will complete my first full year here. There are a few bright spots here and there, but my community, my home, has not yet revealed itself to me.
It happened at some point since my Outside the Boxes workshop the first weekend in March – I stopped feeling lonely. I have become more satisfied with the quality of physical and emotional affection I receive, although the quantity has decreased. So I’ve been sitting here for a little while trying to figure out how this happened. How have I magically stopped being lonely. I don’t feel like crying when I think about how long it’s been since I had a hug from someone who cared about me and wasn’t my mom. I don’t waste any time lamenting my lack of romantic or sexual relationships.
The only answer I can come up with at the moment is that I currently feel the most secure and steady and strong as I have felt in a long time. Nevermind the fact that I live with family right now and I work a part time job… That has given me time to really sort out “what the fuck just happened?” – basically everything since I started writing here. I’m figuring out what it means to be a single person who happens to be polyamorous, and I’ve come to understand myself as queer instead of lesbian. It’s just me now. I don’t have any wing-people to hold me up or drag me out of my shell when I’m shy. I just have to go out there and give it all I’ve got.
In the absence of a safety net, people to catch me, perhaps I am learning to fly.