If only I could tell you this
If only I could tell you how much you mean to me. It’s just that I’m afraid. I fear that if I tell you, it will push you away from me. Although I value open and honest communication, even at a high cost, I am concerned that the timing isn’t right. Still, if only I could tell you these things, maybe we might deepen our connection – isn’t that worth the risk? Perhaps. Perhaps I’m just working on the timing.
1. I really wish you didn’t have a girlfriend, or I wish your relationship was more open, but I do understand. It’s just that you fucked me so hard and gave me an orgasm that came in waves of pleasure, my voice calling out, a wash of tears. You made me feel cared for, you made me feel as though you wanted to be part of that experience as much as I did, and I am so very, very grateful.
2. You kissed me the other day. After all of the things we’ve shared with each other, closing down the bar after almost everyone has left, you have opened your past to me. Maybe you have even opened your heart to me. Then, you hugged me, and nuzzled into the softness where my neck meets the tops of my shoulders, and kissed me. So subtle, but I didn’t miss it. I was paying attention. Please, don’t be afraid. I will not break you, that I swear.
3. I want your claws in my back, your breath on my neck, and your chin hairs tickling over my collar bone. I want you to clarify your desires, intentions and feelings so that I can do the same with mine. But the place where you sleep is so far away from where I sleep. I want that conversation to happen sometime when we are waking up together, diffused sunlight scattering over your skin as you match my breathing. I want to explore with you, to put my palms to yours and exchange our energetic pulses. I want to listen to your strong heartbeat. I don’t have to have more from you, but I want more.
4. Though I come to you through your beloved, I want you to know I take interest in you as well – in erotic ways and simple ways, too. You are a person of many skills and talents. I want to witness all of them. You are deeply compassionate and perceptive, and so beautiful when you speak your mind or take an authoritative role. Is it okay for me to want you? If it is, what must I do to earn my keep? To earn your trust and companionship? I would start today.
5. A few days ago, I read over the last few text messages you sent me before you left without a trace. Reading over them, I was almost convinced again that you actually loved me. My love was genuine. I don’t know what to think about yours.